Failure and Faith: My Exit From Teach For America

This song, a spoof created by a comedy group at my alma mater, has been thundering in my brain for the last few weeks. It isn't an appropriate theme for my exit from Teach For America and my short elementary teaching career, but the sentiment does accurately convey how I feel at times when reflecting on this experience. 

Ouch! Both physically and emotionally. 

Defining Failure

The online Oxford dictionary gives three different perspectives to the definition of the word fail:

1. Be unsuccessful in achieving one’s goal
2. Neglect to do something
3. Break down; cease to work well

All three of these forms of failure of been present in my experience as a teacher. I have been unsuccessful in achieving my goals for academic ability of my students, I have neglected to take the required action to be prepared to be the teacher my students need in order to succeed, and I literally broke down -"cease to work well" does not even begin to approach the necessary description of my personal state of mind at the end of the semester. 

I am not having a pity party here, rather I am being very truthful. I failed. 

Yes, there are many contributing reasons to why this happened which are important and valid. However, regardless of what I cite or go back to, the fact that I've failed remains. I have failed myself, my students, the families of my students, my fellow teachers and administration, and in many degrees my own family. 

However, failure isn't synonymous with hopelessness, death, or a permanent road block. While harmful effects of my failure are and will be present, there are positive consequences. The video below illustrates an important concept I've learned about failure. 

I spent two years preparing for and dreaming about Teach For America, endured a grueling summer of training away from my pregnant wife, and then battled four months of work in the classroom and then . . . I quit. For what? While all that time, energy, excitement, money, and work that it took to go through this experience, I am grateful that I was able to learn with such finality that TFA and elementary teaching in general is not where I need to be right now. There is no question left in my mind. I took the wrong turn, and now I am going backwards a little and will soon find a more suitable path for my family and I.

Failure and Faith

Spiritually speaking, I am aware that often we are called to endure through challenging times and trials in order to be refined into worthy disciples of Christ. In listening to President Monson's most recent conference address I felt that perhaps I should just keep hashing out sub par lesson plans and hatch new management schemes that didn't work. Perhaps if I just kept enduring things would work out and I would find success.

However, it became clear that this was not the right mindset. For the sake of both my own students, and my own family I needed to leave.

A poorly stitched panorama of my students on my last day.

My wife Kassie and son Hinckley

I love my students very much, and wish with my whole being that I could be the teacher they need in order to advance to the next grade and get onto a path that will lead them towards self sufficiency in adulthood. I sobbed like a infant when I spoke to them about leaving. However, I can't be that teacher AND the father and husband I want to be to these two lovely folks at this present time. I don't have the experience, mental strength, or physical energy to do both. 

So the natural question resulting from the decision was something like, "well if I quit then what am I going to do?" and that is where the leap of faith came in. I did't have an answer, and neither did Kassie. The scripture from the Book of Mormon story of Nephi returning to Jerusalem came frequently to my mind, "And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do." Paul wrote to the Hebrews, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." We definitely felt a new understanding to Elder Packer's constant analogy of taking a step into the dark and hoping for the light to come on. And then it did. 

Almost a week after reaching the decision to leave teaching, I landed a job that offered everything and more that I could have hoped for at this time. I will be using skills from my undergraduate experience at BYU, and will have time to spend with my family. Even better, my very supportive principal found a replacement teacher who is very experienced and ready to enter my classroom in January. I can say that every friend and co-worker has been extraordinarily kind and thoughtful during this process. I am indeed grateful that the pain of failing here had not been made worse through comments and actions of others. While it has been very hard to leave my classroom, I know it is the right thing for my family. 

Failure Is Normal

There were and still are many feelings that accompanied me home as I drove away from school for the last time; Shame, joy, guilt, hope, anger, and even peace. There are many unresolved questions such as: What will happen to my students? What could I have done differently to avoid this? Would I do this again? Is Teach For America deserving of blame or is it my fault 100%? Does it matter? 

Regardless of the answer to these questions above and the many others that continue to swirl around me, it is clear that failing is a regular part of mortality. As I watched my son experience his regular and somewhat painful "tummy time" this morning I thought about how we never laugh or mock babies for failing to walk by a certain date, or for being able to speak correctly. He is doing his best to push against gravity and develop into a full-functioning human being. If you can get past the obnoxious and pathetic sounds of his crying, the scene is actually both very inspiring and instructional. I too am doing my best, and though these past months I have resembled my whining son in more ways than one, I recognize that I am a better person and more prepared to serve God and my fellow man in a capacity that is more aligned to my skill set and personality. 

3. Self Control is the Gateway to Service

Looking back on my 6 "lessons" learned in the first 3 weeks of teaching, I am surprised to find that they still ring true to me. I wonder if this will be the case by the end of the year? I have now been in the classroom for over two months (it feels like much longer) and point number 3 feels more true than ever.

Found this on Reddit. 

Self control is an attribute our society at large struggles with. Instant gratification, 24/7 access to whatever whimsical or serious need we think up, and the false sense of value placed on "being busy" are just a few things I see as contributing to the degrading of this important characteristic.

Beyond our drive-thru and on-demand culture, self control manifests itself in education in a way I had not anticipated. When I started at my school, many teachers and the Principal told me, "Never let them see you sweat." In other words, don't let the students know that they are getting to you.

Well that did't work out so well.

Never in my life have I struggled more to control my words, the level of my voice, and the negative flood of emotions that inundate room 27 each day. Not to mention managing the frustration with things outside the classroom such as impossible insurance rates for teachers, apartment problems, and a seemingly never-ending workload that appears to have assassinated personal and family time.

Many days I keep my own tally of happy and sad points on the whiteboard, just to help me better manage my own person, and maybe help the students (who are 7-8 years old) begin to understand that everyone, young and old, must learn to manage their feelings.

:( = moments I lost control and went crazy
:) = moments I managed the chaos of my own feelings

The result of my two month wrestle with such feelings of anger and inadequacy have not rendered me as a new hero or refined instructor. At least not yet. 

But I do know that in order to actually help my students and my family, I first need to be able to control and help myself. Thus self control is the gateway to service. It is so easy to say, but very difficult to do. 

How can we help the hungry if we spend excess on food ourselves? How do we thoughtfully serve others if we are too busy being worried and depressed about our own shortcomings? 

The US Air Force mantra of "Service Before Self" is a companion of the concept I am addressing here. In order to serve others before ourselves, we must have mastery over our own passions, desires, and emotions. We must manage our own person, and then actively choose to lift others before putting our own ambitions forward. 

3 Weeks in the Trenches

Woah. I'm here.

Originally the title of this blog was "1 week in the trenches" . . . but obviously I didn't get around to publishing till now. Teaching at an elementary school in an area riddled with poverty is not easy. Of course it is not easy. The reason I signed up through Teach For America was to get into a classroom and see first hand what was happening in struggling public schools. I have done a little writing and thinking about education and "reform" and all that, but I've always known I could never understand or make a meaningful difference in the field of education if I didn't get into the trenches at least for a while. I wanted a first hand experience.

And now I am getting it.

So far, six lessons have been injected into me through my short experience as a 2nd grade teacher thus far:

1. There is so much more to public school than academics
2. Teachers actually are superhuman
3. Self control is the gateway to service
4. Teaching is about finding the sweet and tender balance amidst insane chaos
5. Educational technology is cool, but is it possible the field is turning a blind eye to the biggest issues?
6. Continued raw failure is the essential attribute of true learning  

If you are a current teacher, or have taught before, you may be holding back a knowing smile. I'm sure I sound like a really silly kid who thinks he has figured it all out. While it is true I am a rather silly idealistic kid, it has never been more clear to me how little I actually know.

In my next posts I will expound on the six points above. As I reflect on what I am learning and thinking I invite you to share your questions, comments, or your own reflections on education so we can learn more together.

TFA - the villan, the savior, the man-made organization

As you may know, I am an incoming Teach For America (TFA) Corps member this year. For many people this means very little, other than I will be a teacher and that is cool.

Other folks, however think and speak differently about the organization.

The Villan

I have read enough anti-Teach For America arguments to know that there are embedded within the diatribes and finger-pointing some good points. However there are accusation about the short training time TFA teachers have over the summer, griping against fast turnover, complaining about how TFA is a capitalist plot to privatize education, and blatant rude generalizations that remind me of anti-mormon literature from the 1800s.

What I realized yet again?

The Savior

On the other hand, I have heard about some folks who talk as if TFA is the answer to many (if not all) problems. It is probably these kind of comments that fuel the "villan" response in people. I know I would get pretty angry if I had been teaching in a classroom for 20 years and then some kid who has never taught in his or her life walks in and says something like, "You should do your teaching my way, because I am TFA!" Thats just . . . dumb. Along this vein, I shudder to think that there could be some TFA corps members here because it is just a job and offers a nice launch pad into business etc.


Man-Made Organization That Just Wants to Do a Good Job and Actually Does Do a Pretty Good Job

Obviously the title of this little section will never be popular or cool because it is moderate and recognizes reality. The fact is that TFA is not a person, it isn't even a monster or a super hero. Teach For America is an organization full of all kinds of people. You might not believe it is true, but then again you might not believe there is such thing as a thoughtful male, a smart blonde, a Christ-loving Mormon, a kind Arab, a corrupt American, a school full of teachers cheating for their students, and all sorts of other facts that exist despite our stereo types and logical fallacies.

As educators we should and must be better than this.

I am proud to be a part of an organization where the corp member who drives this car . . . .

can proudly work and learn with the corp member who wrote this piece about private education.

Anyway, got to get ready for another week of learning, sweat, and tears.